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Now that the legal mumbo jumbo is outta the way...

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Funny For the Week

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No , I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
WITNESS: We do..
WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


Tara O said...

Thanks for the laugh...I needed that.

Martha ~ xpetunia said...


Bob said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
butt smokin' neckid said...

well morn'n sunshine, good to see you could find your way here...did the table dancing gig end???

where the hell you bin??? if it was anuther road trip to KALIPHONYA...step away from the bong!!!!

you got me to smile wit' yore shister jokes...thanks...don't bogart!!!

off the reservation said...

Auntie EM!!!!!!

Welcome back!

For a while I thought that Galvin, Gavin, whatever, character had driven you away.

Great jokes! Periodically I go hunting with an attorney. One year we got him one of those bright orange vests with a bull's-eye on the back and ATTORNEY in big black letters.

One year, we actually let him carry a rifle.

Unloaded. :)

Auntie Em/Libertarian Woman said...

Martha I still have your other one to post! This one came from of all places, my hubby!

Glad I could help Tara, hugs!

Sorry guys, I have been a bit slack lately, lots of 'stuff' going on.

But I have just enough folks poking at me to keep coming back to feed the critters.

OTR just how many scalps does it take????

off the reservation said...

The one answer I liked yesterday was:

"None, you can't make a bear rug from a bunch of wussies."

As always, when handling liberals wear thick rubber gloves, suitable gas mask, and activated carbon attire.