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Now that the legal mumbo jumbo is outta the way...

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Funny for the week

Normally I'd wait till I had finished my previous "assignment" but this was too good to wait.
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President Obama was having that one, lone brief conversation this year with General McChrystal about Afghanistan .

Things were obviously not going the way the General had hoped. Obama could sense this, and told him, "I bet when I die, you'll pee on my grave."

To which General McChrystal answers, "No sir, I've always said that when I get out of the Army, I'll never again wait in another line."

30 comments:

off the reservation said...

I thought the "Chosen One" was going to ascend into the heavens on chariots of fire.

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman said...

Today... is Christmas! There will be a magic show at zero-nine-thirty! Chaplain Charlie will tell you about how the free world will conquer Communism with the aid of God and a few Marines! God has a hard-on for Marines because we kill everything we see! He plays His games, we play ours! To show our appreciation for so much power, we keep heaven packed with fresh souls! God was here before the Marine Corps! So you can give your heart to Jesus, but your ass belongs to the Corps! Do you ladies understand?

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman said...

Today, you people are no longer maggots. Today, you are Marines. You're part of a brotherhood. From now on until the day you die, wherever you are, every Marine is your brother. Most of you will go to Vietnam. Some of you will not come back. But always remember this: Marines die. That's what we're here for. But the Marine Corp lives forever. And that means YOU live forever.

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman said...

I have been told by some of you on this blog that you do not know who I am. Many of you bewildered souls seem to have a problem with a man in a green uniform. Well let me set all you ladies straight.

I'm Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, your senior drill instructor, from now on you will speak only when spoken to, and the first and the last word out of your filthy sewers will be "Sir". Do you maggots understand that?

I'm not Hey man!

I am not a dude.

I am not a Hey You!.

I'm speaking to you MAGGOT! Do I look like some furry ewe female sheep to you? DO I?!?!?!?!?

I am NOT a Corpse! What scumsuckin filthy panty waste out there cannot tell the different between one of God's chosen and a dead man?

From now on, I am everything. Day in and day out you will eat the way I tell you, you will dress the way I tell, you will breath the way I tell. Hell, you will even PISS the way I tell you! There is nothing you know today. You are all empty headed MAGGOTs and The Almighty has given me authority over each and every one of you.

Is that CLEAR?

...

...

WHAT WAS THAT????

Bullshit I can't hear you. Sound off like you got a pair!

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman said...

Private Obama! What's you major malfunction??!!? You're a Harvard Graduate and you don't know the difference between Corps and Corpse?? You flunked lunch at Harvard, didn't you MAGGOT. All that time you spent chasing little girl's panties at your liberal demonstrations and not ONCE did you crack open a book?

Don't you look at me MAGGOT! Am I your girl friend or something that you would grope me with your eyes?!?!? Eyes to the FRONT! What's the matter with you? Don't look at that teleprompter! What form of scumsuckin panty waste are you?

Auntie Em/Libertarian Woman said...

Put down the pipe Coop!

Video Camera said...

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Private Obama! Holy Jesus! What is that I see? WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!?!?!?

Private Obama; Sir, my teleprompter, sir!

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: A teleprompter?

Private Obama: Sir, yes, sir!

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: How did it get here?

Private Obama: Sir, I brought it from the auditorium, sir!

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Are teleprompters allowed in the barracks, Private Obama?

Private Obama: Sir, no, sir!

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Are Marines allowed to read from teleprompters?

Private Obama: Sir, no, sir!

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: And why not, Private Obama?

Private Obama: [looking at his teleprompter] Sir, because CORPSE men are killing machines, trained to think on their feet and ...

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: [up in Private Obama's face, brim of his hat pressed against the forehead of Private Obama] Sweet Mother of God! [staring straight into Private Obama's eyes] Private Obama has dishonored himself, has dishonored his platoon, has dishonored the Commandant, and has dishonored my beloved Corps! I have FAILED because YOU have not helped me. You people have not given Private Obama the proper motivation! So, from now on, whenever Private Obama screws up, I will not punish him. I will punish all of YOU! And the way I see it ladies, you owe me for ONE TELEPROMPTER! NOW, GET DOWN ON YOUR FACES!

Auntie Em/Libertarian Woman said...

(another keeper for the library)

off the reservation said...

Prezdunce C3PO! How many times have I told you? You cannot watch Full Metal Jacket when I am not here. You know how frightened you get. Now, go back to your room and put on "Princess Diaries" or something like that.

[shuffling noises]

Now, where did I put my Green Berets DVD? Nothing like a great John Wayne movie and a nice site to have some fun. Thank you Auntie Em!

Ah! The ON switch!!

Fighting soldiers from the sky
Fearless men who jump and die
Men who mean just what they say
The brave men of the Green Beret...

Auntie Em/Libertarian Woman said...

OH I love that movie!

"Peter-san"

off the reservation said...

Oh, yes. That is a real tear jerker at the end, Hamchuck running from Huey to Huey....

"Peter-san, Peter-san"

...and then...

"Was my Peter-san brave?"

Auntie Em/Libertarian Woman said...

Well just thanks for bringing back that image!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm on my way home, see ya'll in a bit.

butt neckid said...

and all I got is that DAMN....GILLIGAN...for 3 hour tour...



code:draten

J Cooper said...

EM,I resemble that remark about a pipe. I wish!! I flew into Charleston, West Virginia, Tuesday.

OMG,Satellite on the bus is frozen,no WIFI. Snow everywhere,16 degrees when I got here. Will be here for two weeks.

So if you where implying that I was GS Hartman,its not me!

Auntie Em/Libertarian Woman said...

Do you know that if you hold your hand just right while shooting the bird, that is the shape of WVA?

Just thought you'd like to know.

Yeah I'm hoping "Gunnery" makes another appearance. Sorry you are stuck in WVA Coop.

J Cooper said...

After much searching I found the WIFI repeater at this venue (CLAY CENTER FOR PERFORMING ARTS).We have five shows to do here in the next two weeks,it sucks,I hate audio!!

Wheres my pipe!! God its cold.

J Cooper said...

OH that's great info,EM.When my fingers thaw out,it's the first thing I'm gonna try.I would rather you tell me where the local bar is.

Prezdunce C3PO said...

I found it! Nobody is here. Full Metal Jacket. And now switch ON

Oh dear....

We're Doomed!

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman said...

The deadliest weapon in the world is a marine and his rifle. It is your killer instinct which must be harnessed if you expect to survive in combat. Your rifle is only a tool. It is a hard heart that kills. If your killer instincts are not clean and strong you will hesitate at the moment of truth. You will not kill. You will become damn liberals and then you will be in a world of shit. You will hang pictures of Pelosi over your beds. You will have tingles on your leg at the sight of Obama. You will wear sissy women's clothing and get pedicures. You will secretly lust after Henry Reid. Then I will have to kill you with your very own rifle because you would be better off dead.

Do I make myself clear you maggots!

Prezdunce C3PO said...

Oh, dear me!

Prezdunce C3PO said...

I can't watch....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TFNeBRc7W7s

Video Camera said...

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Anyone know who William Ayers was? Private Obama?

Private Obama: Sir, he is a professor in the College of Education at the University of Illinois at Chicago, holding the titles of Distinguished Professor of Education and Senior University Scholar, sir!

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Wrong MAGGOT! He headed a radical group known as the Weatherman where he placed a home-made bomb under the steps of an R.O.T.C. building. The bomb was made from an electric blasting cap, an alarm clock, a battery and a plastic bag filled with gasoline and explosives. He facilitated the detonation of a bomb at the Golden Gate Park branch of the San Francisco Police Department, killing one officer and seriously injuring a number of other policemen. He participated in the bombing of New York City Police Department headquarters in 1970, the United States Capitol building in 1971, and the Pentagon in 1972. The boy was a regular Victor Charlie!

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Anyone know who Bernadine Dohrn was? Private Obama?

Private Obama: Sir, she is an advocate for human rights, sir!

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Human Rights? HUMAN RIGHTS? What is major malfunction MAGGOT!?!?!? Those dead that she helped Ayers blow up, DID THEY HAVE RIGHTS?

Private Obama: Sir, they only damaged government property, sir!

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: [up into Private Obama's face, brim of hat to Obama's forehead] Do I look like government property to you? Do I look like a teleprompter to you, Private Obama? Is that all people are to you, you waste of human flesh?

Private Obama: Sir, no, sir!

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: You are stealing my oxygen, sewer breath. Get your face in the dirt maggot!

Video Camera said...

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Tonight, you pukes will sleep with your rifles. You will give your rifle a girl's name. You're married to this piece. This weapon of iron and wood. And you will be faithful. Port, hut!

[Recruits grab their rifles]

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Prepare to mount!

[Recruits step back toward their bunks]

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Mount!

[Recruits quickly hop into their bunks]

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Port, HUT!

[Recruits grab their rifles and holds them up]

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: Pray!

Recruits: This is my rifle. There are many others like it, but this one is mine. My rifle is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life. Without me, my rifle is useless. Without my rifle, I am useless. I must fire my rifle true. I must shoot straighter than my enemy, who is trying to kill me. I must shoot him before he shoots me. I will. Before God I swear this creed: my rifle and myself are defenders of my country, we are the masters of our enemy, we are the saviors of my life. So be it, until there is no enemy, but peace. Amen.

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: And who is your enemy?

[Recruits:] Sir, the liberal movement, sir!

Private Obama: [Off in the latrine, in the dark, holding his teleprompter, reading the words from it] This is my teleprompter. There are many others like it, but this one is mine. It is the precious. The others wants my precious but they cannot have the precious. Without my teleprompter, I am useless. I must stroke the precious. I swear on the precious that I will always read from the precious. The precious wants me to print more money. The precious wants me to lie to the people. Yessssssss

Prezdunce C3PO said...

We're DOOMED!

Auntie Em/Libertarian Woman said...

gollluummmm

butt neckid said...

?????????????????
gollluummmm????????????????

I must have dialed a wrong number...

pssssst...COOP......
wva is dry.......

Auntie Em/Libertarian Woman said...

"Precious" is what Gollum calls the ring. As in The Lord Of The Rings.

A series of books I've read probably 10 times. And seen the movies 3 times.

Ivan said...

Uhh oh Obama may be in a little trouble soon...he has upset a Rockefeller...i wonder if the Rockefellers made any comments like this prior to the assassination of JFK...

http://www.realclearpolitics.com/video/2010/02/12/dem_sen_rockefeller_on_obama_hes_beginning_to_be_not_believable_to_me.html

butt neckid said...

see what happens you you get snow bound............

off the reservation said...

Snowbound? Rather than using snow try ropes. As in Global Bondage.